Non-Violent Communication
Yesterday we celebrated International Evening, which you can read more about in the other posts this week. It was an incredible collective effort and celebration - thoughtful, joyous and delicious!
Another theme this week, which resonates strongly is 'non-violent communication'. Much of our focus this year for students, staff and parents has been on how we can share our needs and desires with each other without this feeling violent or aggressive - or triggering violent or aggressive behaviours. In conversation violence can be 'silence or violence' when we begin to get hostile or sarcastic, using capital letters in emails, creating an audience for criticism to create shame, or making accusations. Sometimes conflict with children can even become physical - which we take very seriously.
Some of our guidance such as our guidance on how to raise a concern as a parent, or our behaviour processes in middle and high school have at their heart, a desire to make uncomfortable conversations feel safe and kind. In general we live together and learn together in a very safe and caring environment at ISA, but this can never be taken for granted. Just as a garden may be peaceful, beautiful and orderly, but that does not mean you stop gardening! There is always pruning, replanting and fertilising to be done.
Much of the underlying philosophy of what we are trying to achieve can be found in the ideas of Non-Violent communication.
This week we shared some quotes with staff, and I thought you as care givers and community members might also like to ponder upon them. Whether the aggression is microaggressions in conversation, or war between countries, the origin is shared - and it's an inability to communicate, collaborate, care and compromise in fair and equal ways. As we remember the joys of international evening, it is worth remembering it floats on a sea of non-violent communication between people, nations and cultures. I hope these quotes from the book inspire you.
“peace cannot be built on the foundations of fear.”
“the more you become a connoisseur of gratitude, the less you are a victim of resentment, depression, and despair. Gratitude will act as an elixir that will gradually dissolve the hard shell of your ego—your need to possess and control—and transform you into a generous being. The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous—large souled. —Sam Keen, philosopher”
“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”
“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”
“We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in the derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As author and mythologist Joseph Campbell suggested, "'What will they think of me?' must be put aside for bliss." We begin to feel this bliss when messages previously experienced as critical or blaming begin to be seen for the gifts they are: opportunities to give to people who are in pain.”
“As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us. We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. ”
“focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging,”
“Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on what we are needing and not getting.”
“Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
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